Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I... will be with you again

Two thousand and eight approaches, life trundles forward like an unapologetic freight train. It's late at night and my mind ponders with mild discontentment but far more optimism than I think it has had during any other season in two thousand and seven. I feel like God is finally back in control of my life, a life that has been at very least cyclonic this past year.

Twelve months of Cyclone Yahweh have levelled life flat. I've spent the last four years of my life building this awesome city, Ashville, Population: 1. It's towers and monuments once tall and strong now just litter my memory, scattered in the wind. Every now and then I stand up and begin to rebuild, but the storm simply returns...

I'm learning... I promise you I'm learning... Wisdom only seeps through by osmosis and my age continues to climb. I'm losing life, eliminating childhood dreams and receiving unwanted responsibilities. Love and freedom departed as Ashville became fortified. Things that were once fresh and new now seem warm and stale.

I think I've been in shock. This year I've really experienced life in all its fragility. No one close to me has died but I feel as if I've lost more friendships this year than any other year, including a very special girl.

Friendship has been the way I've measured my life, it's been the one-up I've had on so many people for so long but now I feel fragile and humble as a seemingly endless parade of valued friends leave my inner circle. I'm also wise to the fact though that God's doing this for a reason. He wants me closer to him... and I'm trying, but I still have a long way to go.

I feel myself wandering a desert wondering how hard I'll have to fight to capture promised territory. Intimidated and uninspired. I wonder if I'll ever lurch forward in battle again. I'm cared for by so many but at times my soul feels barren and dry. Two thousand and seven has definitely been a year unlike any I've experienced.

I'm standing strong and digging deep though because tonight God is as strong in me as he's ever been. U2 once wrote this song a long time ago called "New Years Day" I'm not sure what it's about but it seems relevant to this season. The chorus promises: "I... will be with you again". And although I know I haven't been abandoned I've felt this unexplainable distance from God, "New Years Day" reminds me that this distance will soon end. It also reminds me that I'm loved... and I feel as though that song has been God's vow to me this year through every battle I've fought. It sounds crazy but I don't even care anymore.

So despite my discontentment I'm standing on the edge of two thousand and eight peering excitedly over the edge ready to lurch forward again. Ready to find out what "I... will be with you again" really means, ready to be with God, ready to let God replace what he's torn down. It's going to be a great year.

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