[ash]

Artificial Light

2011-01-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

The following is a piece of writing I created on the 1st of May 2007 it was published on my Myspace blog but has not seen the light of day since. I really like this piece of emo poetry, it was written while I was working at the most mind-numbing office job I've ever had, I hope you enjoy it too.

Artificial Light

I sit.

The office is quiet.

Keen ears will note the echo of mouse clicks, key strokes in stereo.

Across the room an overbearing manager dictates a conversation over a subordinate.

A faceless voice drifts throughout the hallway.

All of this though means nothing.

A worthless flood of silence.

Useless noise.

The office is quiet.

I rearrange documentation sprawled across a laminated surface that reflects unnatural fluorescence.

Artificial light.

Work will keep me busy but its futility begs me to know that I am nothing.

Urges me to fear.

Ensures I do not move.

So I sit.

That which was once destiny is now a distraction.

Dreams are forgotten.

Life becomes existence.

I can only sit.

I sit patiently knowing that I am more than this.

I sit knowing that this is a prelude.

I sit knowing that this is only making me stronger and an enemy angrier.

I sit waiting.

A cursed environment could never take my soul before.

A scrambled confusion, a relentless craving, an emotional ache.

This has been my soul.

This has been my life.

An incurable sickness.

Heart disease.

Each day I sit I discover new tragedy as if love hangs crucified.

Even tolerance and justice swing suffocating from distant gallows.

Beauty and happiness are so often violated by jealousy and selfishness that the pump in my chest always seems to be gripped by guilt. Yet I will not be discouraged.

The blood drips into my eyes from beneath a thorn-ridden crown, the flogging cuts deep into my flesh and as I drag all the love I have remaining up Skull Hill I still dare to carry on.

I still dare to dream.

I still dare to hope because I am a protected son under a loving father.

Afternoon sunlight pierces through a crack alluding capture.

I sit forward in my chair.

My brain secretes rebellious chemicals that initially leave me restless but slowly plead for concentration.

Dreams begin to resurface.

Life begins to stream back.

Like the screen in front of me, my mind begins to focus rays of thought, pixels of passion.

The twist and tangle of pages that crawl across my desk fade away.

A world of courage spurs me on, it pulls me closer to a passion that is slowly becoming my future.
Suddenly a whisper that is not from me but calls from deep within, reminds me that my purpose and destiny cannot and will never be taken by artificial light.

Finally I stand.

Celestiosity

2011-01-12T21:26:00.000-08:00

So The Moon was bright tonight, beautiful even. It was not full or rich in colour, for that matter there was not much drawing attention to it at all. There were no shooting searchlights, it was not blinking on and off like some seizure-inducing strobe light and in the time I was watching it I honestly cannot even say I saw it move. It was however comforting and selfless, its simple luminescence was timelessly beautiful. It lit up the sky illuminating empty streets and endless pathways. It hung still and patient kind of just waiting for attention or affection, bobbing perpetually amid an endless ocean of celestial ink. Beyond its reach shifting in and out behind a meandering herd of luminous clouds were a thousand flickering stars all silent and tranquil; gaseous orbs burning with individual intensities like freckles in a complexion on a beautiful face.

Beyond any of these things my mind cannot comprehend. I wonder; does it all just go on forever? Is there a lonely star at the end of the universe that marks the outermost reaches of everything? Is there a giant black divider that separates our universe from another or perhaps even Heaven for that matter? One thing I know for certain is that the night sky will forever serve as a great source of mystery and perspective to all those who are brave enough to gaze upon it and wonder.

A girl I know once confided that The Moon evoked feelings of romance and mystery. I think if I look at it long enough it just looks like it has a strange old face, or a huge silver coin, or a piece of giant space-cheese. I have never known much about romance or mystery but after years of looking upwards there is one thing I know for certain: The Moon is amazing, and nobody would disagree.

It’s funny though, how our luminous night sky so casually reflects our arrogance. We see it every night, we shoot rockets through it, we collect its falling rocks and at some point before I was even born we had it mapped in detail. We all like to think we have it all so figured out, yet we all see it so differently. Science and the neurological elite collectively see the wonder of space as a curious debate. Artists and the creative community view the night sky with blind and figurative romance and the religious and spiritual alike will forever take shelter in its endless depth. Honestly though, I am not sure any of us have even begun to discover the secrets that lie beyond the planet on which we cohabitate and I am not sure we ever will, or need to.

The thing that I love most about the night sky is that it truly highlights our inability to comprehend distance and forever and as arrogant as we are amidst our affluent, self serving, post-modern culture we will never even begin to understand the endless space through which that tiny speck of a dust we call The Moon relentlessly orbits. Perhaps the beauty is in the mystery. Perhaps knowing we can’t know will draw us toward seeking and trusting one who does. Maybe once we reflect upon our complete lack of universal control we will begin to appreciate its controller. Perhaps our liberation lies beyond its depth.

It is a lot to think about, I know. It is also even easier to speculate on. There is, however, one thing that is certain; you cannot dismiss it. I imagine that if something created everything out of endless still black, a creative explosion of sorts, just so we might gaze at it all in wonder and mystery and romance; if there was a conscious act to give a future consciousness a habitat so intensely huge and spectacular and astonishing just so we might know the enormity of its compassion. I imagine that this creator must really care a lot about those he created within it. I don’t know, maybe this creator desires and deserves a little attention in return. I do not pretend to know much about anything, but I do know that for this universe, I am so fearfully and wonderfully grateful.

The Moon, despite its beauty is not the true source of the light but like everything we’ve come to discover in our solar system, it simply reflects the Sun which during the night waits silently just beyond a distant horizon and will daily illuminate and energise everything that it has gently drawn into its huge, timeless, unrelenting force called gravity.

The Moon was bright tonight, beautiful even, and Me? I am content, loved and liberated. Amen.

My Triple J Hottest 100 'Shortlist'

2010-12-19T21:26:00.000-08:00

2010 was a brilliant year for music, here's a list of all the songs that really grabbed me. I've coloured my the Top 10 red & coloured a further ten that narrowly missed the cut blue.

Shortlist

Adrian Lux - Teenage Crime remove

Arcade Fire - Ready To Start remove

Art Vs. Science - Magic Fountain remove

Bag Raiders - Way Back Home remove

Band Of Horses - Laredo remove

Band Of Skulls - Death By Diamonds And Pearls remove

Bedroom Philosopher, The - Northcote (So Hungover) remove

Ben Folds/Nick Hornby - From Above remove

Big Boi - Shutterbugg {Ft. Cutty} remove

Blur - Fool's Day remove

Brandon Flowers - Crossfire remove

Caribou - Odessa remove

Cassius - I Love U So remove

Children Collide - Jellylegs remove

Chromeo - Don't Turn The Lights remove

Cloud Control - There's Nothing In The Water We Can't Fight remove

Cold War Kids - Audience remove

Crystal Castles - Celestica remove

Darwin Deez - Radar Detector remove

Delphic - Halcyon remove

Crystal Castles - Not In Love {Ft. Robert Smith} remove

Gorillaz - Doncamatic {Ft. Daley} remove

Gypsy & The Cat - Jona Vark remove

Gypsy & The Cat - Time To Wander remove

Hot Chip - One Life Stand remove

Interpol - Barricade remove

Interpol - Lights remove

Interpol - Success remove

Interpol - Summer Well remove

Jonsi - Go Do remove

Kid Cudi - Enter Galactic (Love Connection Pt. 1) remove

Kimbra - Settle Down remove

LCD Soundsystem - Drunk Girls remove

LCD Soundsystem - Home remove

LCD Soundsystem - I Can Change remove

Metric - Eclipse (All Yours) remove

MGMT - Brian Eno remove

Miami Horror - Holidays {Ft. Alan Palomo} remove

Miami Horror - I Look To You {Ft. Kimbra} remove

Miami Horror - Moon Theory remove

Miami Horror - Summersun remove

My Chemical Romance - Na Na Na remove

Naked And Famous, The - Young Blood remove

National, The - Afraid Of Everyone remove

National, The - Anyone's Ghost remove

National, The - Conversation 16 remove

Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance The Way I Feel remove

Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Jackson's Last Stand remove

Sia - You've Changed remove

Soft Pack, The - Answer To Yourself remove

Spoon - The Mystery Zone remove

Sufjan Stevens - Vesuvius remove

Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks remove

Surfer Blood - Swim remove

Surfer Blood - Twin Peaks remove

Tame Impala - Solitude Is Bliss remove

Twin Shadow - Slow remove

Two Door Cinema Club - I Can Talk remove

Warpaint - Undertow remove

Washington - The Hardest Part remove

Wavves - Post Acid remove

Wolf Gang - The King And All Of His Men remove

Wombats, The - Tokyo (Vampires & Wolves) remove

Yeasayer - Ambling Alp remove

Yolanda Be Cool/DCUP - We No Speak Americano remove

The Insecurity

2010-06-14T07:03:00.001-07:00

There is a secret wondering behind our eyes. A mind-decaying ponder. A thought-life that at first glance can seem real or righteous but in reality is a dull ache that slowly chips away at our spirits. We pretend to be solid or strong or unbreakable but in the end we all want to know “How do we really look to the people we love?”

I am constantly re-evaluating who I am, what I believe, what is morally courageous and upright. I wonder: Do I fit in? Am I unique enough? Is the person I see in the mirror the person everyone else sees? What do I project? Does my brain lie about the man in the mirror? I think about that every day.

I find myself trying to change for the better. I dig for compliments in conversations – a secret questionnaire. I am compiling a list of things I do not need to change, and the list is short. I have almost convinced myself that my constant need to check my own physical reflection is because I dislike the way I look, certainly not because I need to see how perfect I am. For some reason I find self-hatred a virtue. I continuously forget that my quest for self-improvement is both hopelessly vain and immensely insecure.

The clothing I wear, the music I listen to, the leisure I live for and the pursuit of the image I try to project cost more money than I’d like to admit. In fact I think the ratio of money I spend on myself:people (including close friends) would be close to 100:1. Sometimes just the thought of a potential relationship or ensuing heartbreak has stopped my brain from even wanting to think about other people for months on end.

I guess what I am trying to say is that although I strive for a multitude of honourable virtues, this quiet questioning indicates that I’m incredibly self-absorbed. I am certainly not the humble servant I make a lame effort to project.

My hope however, is that as I bring this all to the surface and confess the things in my life that I just do not feel right about, that God (yes, God) will deal with my inadequacies. I’m on a journey. Life is an adventure. Our stories involve such complicated plot twists but through it all we are promised a counsellor with whom to place our trust, and we have to.

I have only recently had the revelation of how much people truly need their friends and community. Love is everything. To put it plainly, friends desperately need your love...and they need it despite your hang ups. So this year my new year’s resolution was to “be more compassionate”. A noble but completely unmeasurable goal, I admit – but it was something to work on all the same. I think that if I’m ever to achieve my goal I have to stop wondering what other people think and just be the person I’m called to be.

Maybe a first impression is not everything. A person can completely change once you have spoken to them, as opposed to just sighting them from across the room. I am learning more everyday that people do not love me because of the way I look, the way I dress, the car I drive, the music I listen to, the brands I endorse or the community in which I live. At the end of the day people simply love me because I love them... and the source of that love? Well that’s another conversation...

The top 12 things I have learned from God the hard way.

2009-09-09T05:55:00.000-07:00

It's rare that you'll find me so blatently speaking about God. I realise that most of the people I know couldn't care less about God or Christianity or Church but just for this one blog I thought I might make an effort to be a little bit less poetic and a little more straight.

These are a list of 12 things that God has taught me over the past seven years. They are personal revelations therefore they mean a lot to me and will probably not mean as much to you until God personally walks you through them. Enjoy.

1. Don't snatch. If God didn't give it to you, it's not yours to take... he will take it back. Just know that he has so many incredible things to give you (or perhaps that one amazing thing). You have to know though that sometimes you won't get them until the day you need them.

2. In our comfortable, self-serving lifestyle, it is often only the death around us (not the life) that forces us to realise and recognise our need for God.

3. You only get one lifespan, one moment in your entire existance to both recognise the beauty that is our creator and to begin a relationship with him. Make it count.

4. Think! Think for yourself. Reflect. Think about love and freedom and life. Let your mind twist through the God-borne complexity that is mercy & grace, liberty & salvation. Seek his answers and unearth his solutions. This kind of thinking is beautiful worship to God.

5. Jesus died not only for your salvation but also for liberation. The freedom he offers us is not only for after our death but also for today. Just know that liberation may not come wrapped in the packaging you were expecting.

6. Even though he is merciful & graceful, God still hates our sin. Overcoming sin however has less to do with self-discipline (although it plays a major part) and more to do with the building of a relationship with the Holy Spirit (being 'In Christ'). It is possible to be so influenced and inspired by the Holy Spirit that not only do you not feel the need to sin but you feel overwhelmingly passionate about doing only good (The fruits of the spirit).

7. The Bible talks about dying to your old life, or pouring your life out like a drink offering. This will seem incredibly hard and depressing until you realise that once you have given up that life, he replaces it with new life. This is often described as being comparitive to a prisoner being set free.

8. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the kinds of things that God will develop inside of his people. It just happens, you can't force it or learn it from a text book. He will develop these things in you in his timing. These are the things that result from having the Holy Spirit in you, influencing you.

9. You have to be satisfied that God is the one who judges those who destroy the lives of others, the unjust and sinning people. God will always have the final say.

10. Sin is enslavement in disguise. True liberation begins in hearts that know they need to be right with God.

11. Mustards seeds are really really tiny but in time they grow, shooting roots, pushing up through the dirt becoming healthy plants, they then bloom flowers and drop seeds.

12. In the eyes of God, actively loving the people around you is just as important as the active worship of him. Infact the two are often spoken about together by Jesus.

107.3FM Music

2009-08-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

So over the last two and a half years I've sort of moved into the position of Music Director at 107.3FM, which is a community radio station run by the Christian Church on the Gold Coast. The sound of the station has dramatically changed over the past four years, so I thought I'd shed some light on why and how we select what we play. Here's what I wrote:

"Positive, upbeat, life-giving music seasoned with moments of spiritual reflection"

Our music is all about moments. Moments in everyday lives, moments of everyday people. Moments of crisis and beauty, strength and gratitude

Life is fragile, as people, as friends, as sons & daughters and as parents we do our best to connect with those around us, it seems as though life is a battle to connect and communicate, we want to wish those we love only the very best but so often words fail to express our hearts. Music has this unexplainable way of expressing so often the things our heart cannot convey.

My role as a music director at a radio station whose primary mandate is to deliver an age old message to a restless community is simple. Play everyday music, the music of the street. Play music that doesn't tear down but builds, music that is positve, upbeat and fresh, music to create a powerful listener connection. Following this will be music that stimulates a faith-filled, life-giving dose of hope, a moment of vulnerability, an introduction to a loving God and a community renowned for its overwhelming compassion.

Perhaps I'm an idealist but I passionately believe in a God who is strong enough to cut through the critical moments of the everyday, he inspires us, he builds us and when we deviate and crash he restores us. He's placed within each of us a message of faith, hope and love and this radio station firmly holds high the music, the art and the expression of those who want nothing more than to give the world a moment with the God who has so fervently captured their lives. So please join with us and our supporters as we push our flickering candle of hope into our community's darkest places.

[Grand]children of the revolution

2008-04-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

So early the other morning this kid walked out to the park near my office, climbed the tree by the cricket nets and hanged himself.

This sort of news cuts me to pieces, I'm devastated. I try to imagine what it would be like to get to the point where a painful, public death is the better option than living another day. It was on a Tuesday morning. Just a mid-week restless night followed by a dawn hanging. Such a tragic end to a beautiful existance. He didn't deserve to go down like that. No one deserves that kind of pain regardless of the catastrophic mistakes we make.

It's funny though, the pain we go through. People of previous generations must look down at us, what we've got, our relatively easy existance and wonder why on earth our suicide rate continues to rise. I mean, most of us have never lived through a time of war, famine, depression or disease. We can buy fast-food at any time of the night, mobile phones connect us with any friend in an instant, we live in one of the richest countries in the world and we are bearing children at about the same age as the life-expectancy in Africa. Our choices are limitless. It could be heaven.

But it's not.

People are constantly trying to distinguish our generation, but to be honest I don't think we'll know who we were until we are remembered by generations to follow. Generation Y they call us. Comes right after X. Raised by Baby Boomers. The children of the revolution. The Boomers are famous for their approach to peace, then sex, contraception, their greed in the 80s and a huge divorce rate. Oh they also invented rock music and currently control the world. But to me they're simply the oldies. They worked hard to change the world and did it. Everything that is popular now is because of them and everyone that knows a little bit about marketing knows that their generation are the richest consumers. Columnists love to talk up some sort of rift or tension between our generations as if we're about to duke it out for control of the planet, but I think it's exactly the same as any relationship that kids have with their parents, things will settle as we mature (they did for the Boomers and their Builder parents).

But one thing doesn't sit right with me. The Baby Boomers fought hard to change the world, they got it and we live in it. The problem though, seems to lie in that. We live this amazing, gluttenous life, a life filled with the fruit of the Boomers' labour but it just isn't filling the void. We're still lost. I can't get my head around the fact that a kid could commit suicide or self harm after the achievement of every comfort that we live in that has been so passionately pursued by previous generations. We've reached a pinnacle in humanity and it's not even coming close to hitting the mark. It makes me wonder. I wonder if the things they pursued all those years ago were ever going to make a difference to our prosperity and I wonder if they'd known back then that it wouldn't really make our lives any more comfortable whether there would have been any passion for change or a revolution at all. I wonder, did they pick the right fights? Has the comfort and prosperity that they achieved become null and void because we, the following generations, are still not happy. And finally, I wonder which revolutions will we pursue. What changes in the world will define our generation.

There's this guy in the bible who asks Jesus about gaining eternal life, the kind of life we were always meant to have. He was this rich official, it's in Luke 18:18 if you want to look it up. Jesus tells him that if he wants eternal life he has to sacrifice the things that hold him down. Jesus directs him to give his money to the poor and follow him. He doesn't do this though, neither of these things appeal to him, they clash with his lifestyle. Imagine the change, the discomfort, I don't blame the guy. Luke then goes on to say that: "He was very rich and became terribly sad. He was holding on tight to a lot of things and not about to let them go." I find it interesting that Luke points out that he is very rich and terribly sad... sound familiar? It sounds like me. It sounds like us. We live a very comfortable, cashed-up, secure existance, we pile up money like a Babylonian tower, shelter from pain. We control our lives and we, like the rich official (or rich young ruler in some translations) and are not prepared to change... it's picking us off, one by one, like the young guy in the park.

Somehow we have to find a way to escape our self-destruction and I'm glad Jesus takes a stand on it in this passage. He sets this standard, he says to give up the cashed up lifestyle, the self-controlled destruction and simply follow him. Now I'm not sure any of us, especially in the western world have ever mastered this, we're so envious of everyone around us and we're all (including church leaders) incredibly greedy and self-centred. We have no comprehsion that someone in a third world country might be able to feel prosperity. We think success starts in our wallets but it's really in our heads.

Perhaps we can learn from where the Baby Boomers missed the mark. Perhaps there's still hope for our salvation. Perhaps our generation will define itself by its self-sacrifice and pursuit of the true Jesus Christ. I can't imagine anything harder and it seems incredibly impossible but it's the only revolution worth fighting for. The only war I want to wage. It's a battle for our heads, our hearts and our lives and God is on our side.

Abundance

2008-04-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

It's funny the memories that a photograph can bring back. Going to Dad's place for dinner I always look back at old photos of myself, usually with disgust, but tonight I saw this photo that is about four years old. I remember thinking at the time how bad I looked in it. I've always hated the way I looked, but tonight I could only see how young and fresh I was. Awkward looking, but not the hideous Quasimodo I once thought I was. And for this fleeting second I realised how amazing life is and how we never appreciate it at the time but we are all such uniquely beautiful people. We look a certain way for a certain time and when that goes we'll never get it back.

The people I was with in the photo are also now just memories, I mean we're still friends, we still keep in contact once in a while, and we are still the same people but our lives have change and our relationships have too and we'll never have the friendship back that we had for that fleeting season in our lives... or maybe we will who knows. I guess what I've realised is that things change all the time. Our lives are full of amazing moments; laughter and hurt, comfort and anxiety. Our perception of life at the time though is always distorted by temporary emotions. Sometimes we want to stay in the moment forever because it feels so incredible or sometimes we just want to get out of it as quick as we can because the pain feels unbearable. But too often life can be like that flower that when you were in primary school gave that definitive answer as to whether "she loves me or loves me not". We drop seasons of our existence to the floor like the petals of a daisy. We pick apart something that as a whole was so beautiful in the quest to discover something that at the time seemed so important but looking back now was of little or no significance.

God has promised us abundant life. Not abundant blessing or a comfortable ride. Life is all about the ups and downs, the beauty and the pain. I can't help but notice that the grass always seems greener on the other side... until you really sit down and talk to the person you're jealous of. There are this myriad of experiences you are about to face and your life is going to last such a long time. Never let a fleeting moment of agony or ecstasy stop you from living. It's the hard times that make the good ones so amazing.

In the end when all is done and dusted when I'm cruising through the clouds with my heaven buddies I get feeling that I won't be disappointed with what was handed to me because I will have gotten exactly what was always promised, a unique and amazing experience. Life in abundance. Thinking about it now almost makes my heart cave in. I'm never going to know what it would have been like to walk in another persons shoes but I know what I'll be saying when I've worn through mine... "I wouldn't have had it any other way."

I... will be with you again

2008-04-22T20:19:00.001-07:00

Two thousand and eight approaches, life trundles forward like an unapologetic freight train. It's late at night and my mind ponders with mild discontentment but far more optimism than I think it has had during any other season in two thousand and seven. I feel like God is finally back in control of my life, a life that has been at very least cyclonic this past year.

Twelve months of Cyclone Yahweh have levelled life flat. I've spent the last four years of my life building this awesome city, Ashville, Population: 1. It's towers and monuments once tall and strong now just litter my memory, scattered in the wind. Every now and then I stand up and begin to rebuild, but the storm simply returns...

I'm learning... I promise you I'm learning... Wisdom only seeps through by osmosis and my age continues to climb. I'm losing life, eliminating childhood dreams and receiving unwanted responsibilities. Love and freedom departed as Ashville became fortified. Things that were once fresh and new now seem warm and stale.

I think I've been in shock. This year I've really experienced life in all its fragility. No one close to me has died but I feel as if I've lost more friendships this year than any other year, including a very special girl.

Friendship has been the way I've measured my life, it's been the one-up I've had on so many people for so long but now I feel fragile and humble as a seemingly endless parade of valued friends leave my inner circle. I'm also wise to the fact though that God's doing this for a reason. He wants me closer to him... and I'm trying, but I still have a long way to go.

I feel myself wandering a desert wondering how hard I'll have to fight to capture promised territory. Intimidated and uninspired. I wonder if I'll ever lurch forward in battle again. I'm cared for by so many but at times my soul feels barren and dry. Two thousand and seven has definitely been a year unlike any I've experienced.

I'm standing strong and digging deep though because tonight God is as strong in me as he's ever been. U2 once wrote this song a long time ago called "New Years Day" I'm not sure what it's about but it seems relevant to this season. The chorus promises: "I... will be with you again". And although I know I haven't been abandoned I've felt this unexplainable distance from God, "New Years Day" reminds me that this distance will soon end. It also reminds me that I'm loved... and I feel as though that song has been God's vow to me this year through every battle I've fought. It sounds crazy but I don't even care anymore.

So despite my discontentment I'm standing on the edge of two thousand and eight peering excitedly over the edge ready to lurch forward again. Ready to find out what "I... will be with you again" really means, ready to be with God, ready to let God replace what he's torn down. It's going to be a great year.

Life(consume, copulate, die, repeat)?

2008-04-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make, I am trapped. Plagued by a thought that I can only assume everyone thinks about but nobody dares discuss. Actually it is more of a recurring anxiety.

I have never gotten my head around the fact that my life has little or no purpose. And that there is very little I can ever do with my life that will carry on any sort of significance beyond my demise. I question myself, I ask; in the end is my life going to count? Will I have made an ounce of difference in the lives of anyone I've tried to reach out to? Have I ever really fully extended my arm? Is the job I do, day in and day out just a distraction from the fact that my life has and never will have any purpose? I mean, was I really created to just consume and exist, copulate and die... to be just another burden on our Earth's rapidly depleting natural resources. Am I pumping knowledge and character into a soul that will simply one day just whither and die, just as I reach the peak of my wisdom?

These are my thoughts. My anxiety is my confession.

Maybe life isn't it. Maybe retirement is not my life's big goal. Is death even the end? If it isn't, why do we clutch hold of our lives so firmly? After a few years of study (or at least close attention to the topic) I realised that life has to be just preparation for eternity. Meaning that regardless of how hard we try to cruise through our comfortable, crowd-following lives there are certain things we need to know, choices that have to be made, tests that must be passed and character that has to be forged. And as a result, death itself is not the end, just a change of residence. Our loving hearts will exist far beyond their burial.

Anberlin vocalist Stephen Christian pleads "The greatest tragedy is not your death but a life without reason" in his song "Never take friendship Personal" and I couldn't agree more, at least when you die you get to go to heaven. But without direction or a reason to live, people just tend to curl up in depression, I can relate to this personally. Many people become not only incapable of any sort of love but also seem to lose even the love they reserved for themselves. Razorblades and sedatives become attractive realities.

Nobody ever had a childhood dream of living a selfish life where they just existed and consumed. I know I didn't, I desired fun, I craved excitement, I chased a job that I could be respected in and an unselfish life that left a legacy in its wake. I feel so frustrated and defeated sometimes though because I catch myself craving so many selfish things that I never thought I would desire, I catch myself deviating from the path I've been called along. I realise how pathetic and petty I am and I hate it. I can't go a day without caffeine. That scares me. I have a need for constant companionship. Which makes me question who I really depend on and I battle with my own thoughts; depression, lust, pride etc.

I can't help but think that if I was able to let go of all my dependencies and step out a little more, be that bit more passionate, my dreams may already be being fulfilled. I may not be addicted to any drugs (other than caffeine) but I am definitely addicted to the chemicals my brain produces as a result of these lifestyle dependencies. I indulge daily in the chemical my brain produces to make me feel comfortable and the chemical that makes me feel apathetic. I recognise it, but like any drug addict I often feel helpless.

I see men twenty or thirty years older than me working a similar job to mine living with similar chemical dependencies and I wonder if I could continue doing a job, feeding a dependency that is so totally soul destroying for such a huge portion of my life. Also will the security of a mortgage buy me a life stripped of freedom? And is my job a false purpose, something to do every day to cover the fact that life is meaningless?

I probably know the answers to most of these questions, perhaps if I stepped out, stepped away from my fears, my anxieties, the comfort, the indifference and the apathy I might receive some clarity in taking my next step in what I'm really supposed to focus on right now.

I have been a Christian for over four years now, the answers are all there but aren't always the ones I want hear. Jesus Christ followed a simple rule, he taught followers two primary over ruling commandments, these are; not to hold anything back in our love for God and to unselfishly love others, focusing on those less fortunate. And the New Testament's main writer Paul stated that he existed (resisted his urges to take his own life) only to live to help others. These things are such a challenge in our complicated post post-modern world but selflessness is so desperately lacking and therefore always needs significant thought when we are looking to focus our attention on our life's purpose. I also keep in the back of my mind that the only thing of any long term eternal significance, and therefore the only thing that will really satisfy this yearning in life is to let people know about the result of Christ's sacrifice thus hopefully taking people to the same place that I am heading when I depart.

I guess I am searching for clarity as much as the next guy, my hope is that I gave anyone who is enduring enough to reach the bottom of this blog some ideas to think about and not something that will throw your mind into disarray. Please tell me your thoughts.

-Ash

Hey Miss Murder can I take my life?

2008-04-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

There is a growing subculture out there that anyone who knows me could tell you i have a strong connection with, they are defined by their hardcore music, black clothes and scarred wrists. They are those kids stuck half way between happiness and death. You see them gathered together at shopping centres and congregating at malls, they have long black fringes, obvious piercings and a posture that exposes a complete lack of confidence. They are my people.

At twenty-three I am not sure why I feel such a connection with these kids, these "Emos", maybe it is because i grew up liking a simlar style of music and clothing or maybe it is because I was such a depressed teenager. Either way I have this back-log of empathy for any kid who reaches out to the world in this way. And at twenty-three I still too question the reason for life. Can anyone relate?

Suicide is such an overwhelming, scary thought. Sadly though it seems to somehow enter the minds of just about everyone during their lives, personally i'm not suicidal or depressed for that matter, but i cant honestly say that the thought has never crossed my mind. It is also such a serious subject that the media can say almost nothing about it which i guess is for fear that a report may lead to an epidemic or copy cat deaths.

We are all curious though aren't we. What makes a teenager or young adult question life to the point where they decide that it is no longer worth living, surely it has to be more than a single devastating event that kicks them over the edge. In their song "Miss Murder" AFI ponder "Hey Miss Murder can I take my life?" Which has made my mind churn over for months now... what a statement... more and more this culture is questioning its reason for existance and seemingly no one is reaching out, telling them why they should stay.

For those who dont already know, i became a christian a few years back, it was an event in my life that no one would have predicted, certainly not me, i mean, i was happy in my rut. Happy in my emotive hardcore lifestyle. But suddenly things changed and just like that it was/is a completely new life and an incredible new world. It was hard though trying to help my friends and family understand, i discovered alot of people have a simmering hatred for anyone "religious" and i soon realised that it was much harder to share my new passion with people than i thought.

Early on in my new christian life though i learned a huge thing that i guess no one considers, it rocked me to my core to the point of no return from my new passion, i learned that life is simply preparation for eternity, not just a waiting room for heaven and that while i was down here both good and bad events would refine me.

Suddenly my problems weren't so big. And it's funny but i became dependent on God. Jesus said he'd leave us with a spirit that would comfort us through this sort of time. And in my experience i have often felt this comfort, i cant and never will be able to explain it, but i feel it.

A great man once demanded "Let my people go!" and shortly after that he marched an entire nation of captives to freedom. So i guess this is it, my stand, and it sounds crazy but I really feel like i've found something special, something that has not only changed my life but has the potential to change the lives of millions. And it never fails to sound lame but i'll continue to say it: Jesus Christ saved my life.

Giving a damn...

2008-04-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

I often find myself wondering why i even bother with people, not only my friends but those guys on the fringe you want help out too, I mean I'm hardly a stalker but just other day I sent a friendly text messge to an old friend of mine and she sent me a reply telling me to never text her again, it crushed me, I hate that.

So I think "What's the point?" and my thoughts begin to spiral. Your Eternity is determined by your faith right? I mean you can only get that ticket to God-ville if you believe in Christ, you will never bake enough cookies for the church fundraiser to get there. So why do I risk soul crushing rejection when I know I'm already guarenteed a place in the big city in the sky. Helping them won't benefit me. Doing good things will not get you into heaven, they dont even guarentee you a good life.

These deeds though, these acts of love totally determine the eternity of your friends.
The way we treat them, they way we love them, our relentless care to those around us in the midst our battleground lives may be the only thing that can bridge that gap between them and the ultimate source of love [God].

One of the hardest things for me is that I have to make that choice to not simply say "Whatever" when I see a need in the life of a friend. I'm generally very apathetic. I get home from work everyday just too tired to care. Fortunately though my life is constantly being bombarded with hardship/tragedy, that slowly moulds my character and develops my conviction.

Everyday I find I have to adopt an attitude that refuses to let compliments or complaints dictate my emotions. Hurt people cannot bring you down, no one can bring you down, if you simply make the choice to love them regardless of what comes out of their mouths. Think of your acts of kindness and those hard choices you make as sacrifices. These sacrifices are purely for the benefit of those around you. You know where you're going when you die, they have no idea.
So I just want to encourage you, keep being that frustratingly nice person, keep giving a damn about your friends (and those other people around you who mess with your space), deliberately make that choice to improve the days of everyone you meet, they do notice the small things you do. They may never thank you, but it sure is satisfying to watch a life that was only changed because you decided to intervene. And who knows, a consistant caring relationship may just initiate a Godly one.

Marriage & Divorce

2008-04-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Hands up everyone who has divorced parents. My parents split when i was 11, it was probably the most tragic event in my childhood but i had alot of support because strangely it seemed to be about the same time that alot of my friends' families fell apart too. I once heard an alarming statistic that stated most households would be single parent families in just a few short years. What's the go with that?

Why did the marriages of the previous generation decay? Is the rising generation destined for divorce too? What affects does it have on us and our kids?

Now don't get me wrong i soo love both my Mum and Dad, they have been the most loving parents any person could hope for (and Mum and Dad if you're reading this... i am not still hurting over this and you have no need to feel guilty), and i can't possibly judge the decision that was made, i know that the decisions made at the time were honestly believed to be for the good of the family. Some of the hardest years of my life though followed from that time on, they helped shape and define the person i am today, i grew in character becoming strong and persevering (thanks for making me a fighter :p), but i'll always wondered what kind of man i would have been if i had a father in my life during that time.

Everything inside me says that marriage is the most amazing thing a guy can hope for, to have the total love, trust and support of a beautiful woman sometimes seems to be as close to heaven as we can get while we're still on Earth. I've felt that way since i was about 12 when i first started noticing just how ridiculously good-looking some of the girls at school were getting... i later discovered that marriage is not only historically popular but also biblical. We are given a beautiful love affair while we're alive to keep us always supported, passionate and strong. A gift from God to spur us on.

I also can't help but notice that every girls MySpace favourite movie list always seems to include "The Notebook". Which is probably the best romance movie i've seen... it documents a love affair between two teenagers and ends with the pair dying in one anothers arms after a long satisfying life together. This is what everyone is hoping for. Love. We are all desperate for it. We always have been.

I know i'm not the only person to say this and it scares me to think it but i find myself going there more and more often, i ask, "Why do I have so much trouble falling in love?" is it because my parents split and i don't want that to happen to me or is it because it's happened to everyone and all of society is scared of vulnerability or commitment, thus marriage being less important in our culture. Is the rising generation going to be less loving than the previous one? Are we all damaged goods?

I still have alot to learn about this subject... it's so tragic to see prostitutes walking the streets and to meet guys with seemingly no self esteem, i wonder if they had Dads to guide them during their development... I wondered what an increasingly fatherless generation will look like? It's interesting to see that in the heroes section on MySpace most people have put their Dad... i've also heard that most girls look for the same characteristics and virtues that their father displayed. So then another question arises... what happens to girls who have never had the love of a father? Where do they go to find it? It's the same with guys... who do we look to? How do guys know how to treat a lady or raise a family? These questions plague me, no one seems to be asking them and they're of such importance in our society.

For the first time though i see a light at the end of the tunnel. For the past 3 or so years i've been going to church, now our church has very few old people (people over 40, sorry if that includes you but if you're 40 you're officially Dad-aged), i have almost no older male role models (my pastor is only 33). But the more my relationship deepens with God, the more i realise his solution to the problem. Church.

By going to church, engaging in a relationship with God and caring for hurt people (everyone in the world) i am learning to love. Getting something back that i had drained from me during childhood. Every week God seems to pour his love all over me, i was as sceptical as anyone else when i was first dragged along, but i found that if i can just let go and thank God for everything he's given me, his presence is undeniable. I also have tonnes of deep, amazing friendships with people i'll know for the rest of my life. Together we support each other through anything and everything that trips us up in life. I once thought church was all about brain washing and propaganda, an irrelevant and archaic ritual or tradition that people were scared into passing down the generations but i now realise that it's the solution, the only solution to having an amazing life.

Now dont get me wrong i'm still single and would dearly love a wife but i've never been more content being single in my life... i can't wait for marriage though...

GB

-Ash

Selflessness

2008-04-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

On the weekend at church my pastor said something that really stood out. The message was on selfishness vs selflessness and how it relates to relationships. He said (and it's something Rick Warren has said too) that people are always asking the question: If there's a God then why is there evil in the world? and i guess it's something we all question hey. Why do bad things happen if God is truly supreme? His answer though was brilliant... he said: That's not the question people should be asking, the real question is: Why is there good in the world?

Sometimes you don't realise how selfish you are, i really try to be selfless, but i know that im nowhere near where i'm needed to be and that is incredible because there are alot of people out there who are equally or are far more selfish than i am, a whole world infact, billions of people doing selfish acts, making selfish choices... so going back to my first paragraph, "why is there good in the world?"

The only reason that there is any good in the world at all is because God is in control. Think about it, where on earth would any good come from in a world full of people as selfish as me. I guess it's easy to see how God is supreme when you look at it this way.

I love everything about the suburb i live in, it's called Varsity Lakes and it is really cool, it has been designed around a lake and has heaps of great parkland... but i know that it has all been designed because some guy in an office has worked out that if the construction of the suburb allows for a certain amount of parkland then the value of the surrounding land will be higher, it is a formula and that often frustrates me. It seems nothing in this world is done out of love, the people that designed Varsity Lakes didnt make it amazing because they thought i would be a nice gift to the GC, they did it to make money.

It's the same with alot of music, at some point most popular music stops being art and becomes a product. The point i'm trying to make is that its rare for people to do good things out of love, things in this world are mostly driven by selfish desire.

Okay i think i've made my point, i'm going to stop being negative now.
I honestly believe that God is the source of all good. What makes a selfish person be selfless? It's God. This holy spirit we've been injected with makes people do the craziest things and that creates a ripple effect.

A friend once said to me that everytime he walks through a checkout line at the supermarket he makes sure to try and cheer up the checkout chick because if he can get her smiling, she will then beam a huge smile back at all the customers she gets after him, improving their days. It is such a small example but i love it.

It's funny how one devine revelation, one good thought planted by God can produce so much good...